Mercy's Calamities

If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies, Or being hated, don’t give way to hating, And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream—and not make dreams your master; If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools: If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone,...

If Death is a lie... does that mean we are all still alive? So, this is the prize? It is a weary, dying world weighed down  with the darkness of all mankind... the culmination of over 6000 years of generation and bloodline curses and sins; and yet ironically- we are the chosen ones. Angels and Demons alike.... We have differences,  yet here I am, in this moment of my life, where I  must continually be in an active place of  reconciliation, submission, humbled accountability, so acutely aware of my incapable  unworthiness. BROKEN humanity and  soiled  divinity that is who I am, and I  wrestle again and again.  I have to go through this process in grievous loneliness,  yet I know that I am not alone.... my God, you have not forsaken me... My saviour, my friend...my all, you became mortal, just to be able to give me that divine empathy; a relationship with my failures, vulnerabilities, fears and shame...I am in need of mercy,  but I al...

The past month or so, my mind has gone into journey of a world that I do not know. A place I keep finding myself in where even friends become foes, where enemy lines are drawn in the sand by fear and stubbornness of my own heart.... only to be redrawn again and again. Till my body aches and my soul seems transparent to the whole world.... till I dont even know myself and I feel like I am in a state of catatonic shock, unable to feel at all. Where even hiding in the shadow of God, I must question whether I am hearing the still small voice of God. I did not find myself in this place, nor did I know that in my mind such a place even existed until last August, when terror itself brought into the recesses of what has been a personal hell with walls of terror and confusion and fingers that scratch and pull at your hand till you are in complete paralysis and arrest of breath. When I've thought so much, I become afraid to think. And when you cease to think, and stop feeling, then you begin...

“The only constant in life is change”-Heraclitus." I've been 'stuck' for over a year now...talking and hoping one day I would be 'ready' to go meet people and develop a social infrastructure of support , and enjoy friendship...every time, my loneliness and isolation pulls me into myself, and dont think I'll make it out. When I do, I swear that I'm going to go do these new things...but then I get so comfortable in my little space and routine... Until last week....and now I feel uncomfortable in my own skin...and life seems so surreal,  but I also know, that's probably exactly what its gonna feel like anytime I do it....So, I'm holding steady in the stretch and trying to focus on the little things that are enjoyable now and focusing on how much greater,joy,and connectivity I will feel. I question what I'm made of,  I feel disconnected from the whole world, and I dont understand how I can experience so much growth,  only to be back at livi...

Ethereal sanctity holds the space in time, your arms protect with hallowed reverence, a soul frozen in fearful arrest of breath.. dark soul...sad soul...your soul...my soul... our eternal conception….two hearts...two souls...immortal love, in unspoken divine collision fuse to just one … Before the demons within us hiding... unholy, bloodthirsty, reapers of the underworld born from fear, relentless unworthy thieves … Mortal time rings the bells, concrete angels, separate across silent oceans of pain, tell the tale of torn exsistence- once sacred,one exsistence...ashes scattered into the pages of cold damnations, indifference… hells bitter aftertaste...fill the lines.. In that holy,sacred space...fractals of broken humanity joined and forever altered reality. What cannot be fathomed in this space of time we call life… in what other souls cannot concieve… The event of us cannot be undone… One cannot forget its exsistence...it is an eternal state of being….not a memory… For me....

I reached a point where inside my soul began a dance of spiritual growth, madness,grief,loneliness and unknowns... Where my mind,body,and soul and heart became engaged in a terrifying and intimate relationship with my humanity and divinity, in a space where I lacked any knowledge of my experience and held only fears and shame. Time was an endless cycle of  terror and a learning of what it meant to rely completely on God in an intimate faith. When I became willing to accept that the devine shades of the human condition cannot always be understood from a position of logic. That acceptance helped me to accept and see more clearly Gods purpose for me.