Tuesday, December 1, 2020

"If" ~ Rudyard Kipling



If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

Thursday, September 10, 2020

Beauty from Ashes



If Death is a lie... does that mean we are all still alive? So, this is the prize? It is a weary, dying world weighed down  with the darkness of all mankind... the culmination of over 6000 years of generation and bloodline curses and sins; and yet ironically- we are the chosen ones. Angels and Demons alike.... We have differences,  yet here I am, in this moment of my life, where I  must continually be in an active place of  reconciliation, submission, humbled accountability, so acutely aware of my incapable  unworthiness. BROKEN humanity and  soiled  divinity that is who I am, and I  wrestle again and again.  I have to go through this process in grievous loneliness,  yet I know that I am not alone.... my God, you have not forsaken me... My saviour, my friend...my all, you became mortal, just to be able to give me that divine empathy; a relationship with my failures, vulnerabilities, fears and shame...I am in need of mercy,  but I also need truth, and I love you Lord  so much... for being able to watch me suffer... to care enough to hold me to my own consequences and misguided truths. Every rebirth, brings me closer to you...every pain a more intimate closeness to You.
It's a rough start, but life is a journey into the darkness of our souls that will bring us back to life. 
We are in a new world, this is the beginning, a new world where we create from the ashes of our destruction and chaos... beauty.Together, with you, and our souls' bludgeoned hope, and memories from the annals of our ancestors... because there isn't darkness without light... and you cannot know truth without the lies.
Angel's and Demons are the most beautiful union of Gods Devinity in a love story...the greatest of all time. I need you, without you I roam.... my dark angel, hunted and banished and slowly disappearing each time you choose to not be by my side. Heaven is a place on earth.. this is the sweet by and by... it will be Hell for all of us.. if the earth is  in a war with the ghost of God, for I believe we have all forgotten his Love, his salvation and His infinite mercy. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes... I am Tracy, and I  have been so unworthy of my Gods love, salvation and forgiveness.... and it is ONLY when....in my souls recognition of its complete unworthiness,  that blessed surrender carry's me into the wings of His all encompassing Love. MY father, the Great I AM,  covers me with His infinite mercy. Shields my eyes , covers my feet, gives me hope like a seraphims third set of wings. I am one who must be purified with fire... My body and soul must burn to remember and know it is still alive, and you My God are my fire inside.My hope is that I may have the honour of being a life that reflects You My God, My everything... my greatest fear is losing you....my greatest peace is every breath I breathe in this pit of my self made damnationis but sheltered in wholeness by You. I pray I will one day be able to show your magnitude, be a conduit of not just what you do, but Who you are... for You and to mend this longing for connection, stitched into me, with the the one who's love for me, is stitched in them by You too. True loves  surrender is the safest place my soul has ever known with you... I am waiting that one who is the divinity of my brokenness to come up from the beginning of our separation -across all these centuries of sin and silence...and show me in mortal glory that part of You that I will never be able to be. For in our union will form an eternal spirit of Your love, majesty and truth. My body aches, but I will never lose hope in You. 
Recuse. T.
Corinthians 5:17 - Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things have passed away. Behold, all things have become new... 
That means us too.

Monday, June 8, 2020

Lost in the Logic


The past month or so, my mind has gone into journey of a world that I do not know. A place I keep finding myself in where even friends become foes, where enemy lines are drawn in the sand by fear and stubbornness of my own heart.... only to be redrawn again and again. Till my body aches and my soul seems transparent to the whole world.... till I dont even know myself and I feel like I am in a state of catatonic shock, unable to feel at all. Where even hiding in the shadow of God, I must question whether I am hearing the still small voice of God. I did not find myself in this place, nor did I know that in my mind such a place even existed until last August, when terror itself brought into the recesses of what has been a personal hell with walls of terror and confusion and fingers that scratch and pull at your hand till you are in complete paralysis and arrest of breath. When I've thought so much, I become afraid to think. And when you cease to think, and stop feeling, then you begin to wither from the core of your soul. I cannot explain, but for the Grace and Mercy of my God, how I found the truths amongst all the voices inside. I have clung to love, I have had to place everything into a litmus test for its' common sense....but mostly I've had to surrender. Completely surrender myself back to God, for the battle, no matter what plane of existence it is on- is always the Lord's and Love conquers all. Truth will find it's way to you, and destiny can never be chained by fear. So, from this unknown place I am living in, I must refind myself in everything I thought I knew and let joy,love,and a hunger for Gods peace be the ink I dip my quill into.... Maybe I do have to rewrite everything I have known to be true.... but it will still be made from the same fabric and values that my soul and logic, body and heart have always clung to. It is who I am and it is my salvation and God himself is carrying me through. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Sitting in Discomfort


“The only constant in life is change”-Heraclitus."
I've been 'stuck' for over a year now...talking and hoping one day I would be 'ready' to go meet people and develop a social infrastructure of support , and enjoy friendship...every time, my loneliness and isolation pulls me into myself, and dont think I'll make it out. When I do, I swear that I'm going to go do these new things...but then I get so comfortable in my little space and routine... Until last week....and now I feel uncomfortable in my own skin...and life seems so surreal,  but I also know, that's probably exactly what its gonna feel like anytime I do it....So, I'm holding steady in the stretch and trying to focus on the little things that are enjoyable now and focusing on how much greater,joy,and connectivity I will feel. I question what I'm made of,  I feel disconnected from the whole world, and I dont understand how I can experience so much growth,  only to be back at living in fear of walking out my front door. Facing that struggle in the depth of my soul…praying for God to lift it. Maybe, its just my pattern, or maybe it's an oversight of my self-awareness.  I cant say I have an answer, but I can say definitively,  that mourning the fact that I am back in thos spot, and pondering the why's does nothing to move me out of it. In fact, it deepens the hole I need to struggle my way out of. Acceptance is the crucial action to moving forward. When I find myself arbitrarily back in an old struggle I'm sure I've licked… time is wasted on the theoretical ideation of the particular sequella of events which landed me there. I feel grateful, I  at least came to that recognition earlier than my usual due process of reasoning, so perhaps I will be grateful for that victory of mind alone and see this past battle to be worth the effort just for that lesson . I keep religious habits of gratefulness and reflection for every moment in my life, the struggles and success alike… it's only in the balance of the two that I find higher ground and deeper understanding of myself and life.

Monday, February 17, 2020

A Poem for my Soulmate,

Ethereal sanctity holds the space in time, your arms protect with hallowed reverence, a
soul frozen in fearful arrest of breath.. dark soul...sad soul...your soul...my soul... our eternal
conception….two hearts...two souls...immortal love, in unspoken divine collision fuse to just
one …
Before the demons within us hiding... unholy, bloodthirsty, reapers of the underworld born
from fear, relentless unworthy thieves …
Mortal time rings the bells, concrete angels, separate across silent oceans of pain, tell the
tale of torn exsistence- once sacred,one exsistence...ashes scattered into the pages of cold
damnations, indifference… hells bitter aftertaste...fill the lines..
In that holy,sacred space...fractals of broken humanity joined and forever altered reality.
What cannot be fathomed in this space of time we call life… in what other souls cannot
concieve…
The event of us cannot be undone… One cannot forget its exsistence...it is an eternal state
of being….not a memory…
For me...you, are me...from that moment in time...where there was blue….where there was
red...combined- a surrender -a death, a metamorphosis, Gods hand formed in divine
mysterious beauty a hue a violet sunrise, purple passion flowers, healing lavender. No
separation even exists....or ever did...in every lifetime we are that living, violet, sacred,
eternal, beautiful event of life…
Did the Holy Trinity come to exist...no my love.. Eternal are these fundamentals of soul,of
love,of life...Forget me not...every breath in every lifetime will be exhaled,or wept, or sung
from the lungs of you and me...a soul cannot forget to breathe.

Intimate Faith and Complete Insanity


I reached a point where inside my soul began a dance of spiritual growth, madness,grief,loneliness and unknowns... Where my mind,body,and soul and heart became engaged in a terrifying and intimate relationship with my humanity and divinity, in a space where I lacked any knowledge of my experience and held only fears and shame. Time was an endless cycle of  terror and a learning of what it meant to rely completely on God in an intimate faith. When I became willing to accept that the devine shades of the human condition cannot always be understood from a position of logic. That acceptance helped me to accept and see more clearly Gods purpose for me.

Most Popular Posts by Views