I've been 'stuck' for over a year now...talking and hoping one day I would be 'ready' to go meet people and develop a social infrastructure of support , and enjoy friendship...every time, my loneliness and isolation pulls me into myself, and dont think I'll make it out. When I do, I swear that I'm going to go do these new things...but then I get so comfortable in my little space and routine... Until last week....and now I feel uncomfortable in my own skin...and life seems so surreal, but I also know, that's probably exactly what its gonna feel like anytime I do it....So, I'm holding steady in the stretch and trying to focus on the little things that are enjoyable now and focusing on how much greater,joy,and connectivity I will feel. I question what I'm made of, I feel disconnected from the whole world, and I dont understand how I can experience so much growth, only to be back at living in fear of walking out my front door. Facing that struggle in the depth of my soul…praying for God to lift it. Maybe, its just my pattern, or maybe it's an oversight of my self-awareness. I cant say I have an answer, but I can say definitively, that mourning the fact that I am back in thos spot, and pondering the why's does nothing to move me out of it. In fact, it deepens the hole I need to struggle my way out of. Acceptance is the crucial action to moving forward. When I find myself arbitrarily back in an old struggle I'm sure I've licked… time is wasted on the theoretical ideation of the particular sequella of events which landed me there. I feel grateful, I at least came to that recognition earlier than my usual due process of reasoning, so perhaps I will be grateful for that victory of mind alone and see this past battle to be worth the effort just for that lesson . I keep religious habits of gratefulness and reflection for every moment in my life, the struggles and success alike… it's only in the balance of the two that I find higher ground and deeper understanding of myself and life.
In the realms of the dark woods,come the echos of battle cries; rising in crescendo,fading back into distant past. Hidden in foliage hanging with the weight of fetid aromas and moss Rolling thick,slow,low-lying fog crawls in from the unknown. A shudder felt from deep beneath the forest floor rise up the souls of old warriors. Listen to the wind as it speaks, to the silence unfolding it's wisdom Waken Warrior of the dark woods, great wars for peace,goodness and rebirth must be fought and won. Pursue what captures your heart. Sing for me your warriors song. Tracy Boote poem inspired by a warrior I saw through a mist of moments and hope A sign...help is on the way.
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