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Saturation of Soul


Oozing from the buried deep,
Hemmoraging moments, present and real
Weighted grieving, covers anahedom, Trickling memories taunting me...heaven on earth is a moment of visceral joy,contentment of mind; innocence,youth and time. 

A heart exploding with courageous lifeforce ,fill imagination, longing for luxurious lucid, living dreams Yet still seem to comfort the edges of pain.

Little deaths, hardly ever even marked by a grave, compile, infect,amputate.
Time is a gown adorning me with etherical sadness, Eternity abandoned -my saturation of Soul.

Absence, inability to recall, except every detail. My moments of eternal devine suspension in Grace...

Now stay like little bodies lifeless...for each one has mutated to a funeral of my
soul, 
reservoirs for guilt and failure and shame.

Evil contorted mind breaking,
time wasting away...
 Like echos in the catacombs-
 moments of joy captured for all eternity
 Stay hidden unless they plan to visit my memories
Letting me remember belonging, fulfillment filling my lungs and coursing life through my veins.

Hell's undertakers don't wait till your dead...they dismember you alive.

Perhaps all I have is the vicariously lent
moments, of my children, family,
 Strangers to me a little, but lives that breathe of hope and ambition.

A more nefarious whisp of consciousness questions my listless existence - 
What if all this fluid retention is the dessemation of my soul?    
Cellular macrophage, not just an ocean of tears,
 The tidal wave of long numbed grief,
Lifeless portions of myself needing the closure of the self loathing poison
 I cannot believe this is  something I deserve to escape.

Has it already happened, has my divine essence disconnected from the human condition?

All that is left is a lost in eternity catatonic soul 
with empty lifeless eyes... 
Till every little scintillation of life recedes to the excruciating comfort 
Real memories where I was living in the perfection of a single moment
of time... 
Precious synapses of souls... 
Eternally capsulated everyday magical miracles -
 Infallible ignorance, 
A heart with resilience, connected, belonging.

Painful wrenching soul-
Watching Memories trapped in time.
 Nostalgic,
 as essence and light take ordinary moments into luminous snapshots of heavens life.

Remembering the infusing the pulsating vitality- through every artery to life.

 Oxygenated the essence of my soul
 With the breath of God himself...
Yet so humble,so everyday simple moments
 Those moments were to tell...of magical things happen to the ordinary when one inhales within its soul...every sense and the hope and light , creating the miracle of just being suspended in a space eternally yours, that is perfect joy, unconditional love,and abundant hope.

Instriscally,
 Knowing, no concept of what you are immersed in, will saturate your being one day... If one fails to be present in the moment right now, this moment that is pure awareness being beyond your body,circumstance,mind and time...
But the exchange of souls in the same moment of space, 

Experiencing the connection
 Invisible,unbroken unity of a greater plane,than the moment on earth you are in.

I pray for a visit from Seraphims Mercy... Lend a breath from your being. I beg so unworthy breathe into me life.
Blink your eyes to see fractals of your
beauty
 Healing into intimate,new,budding moments
 Of respect, 
Forgiveness
Love and connection
... once again.

I say with certainty and confidence
 My souls only hope is to find the joy in the moments,people,sights,sounds and miracles of life,

 Like this very moment writing on this very page.

The levy will break with more time in the isolation
 My self imposed prison.
 Or being flooded by any more sewage from toxic mindsets and forgotten purpose of my heart.

This is my lament and this is my hope

I never knew, life moments can truly be both.

Hold me tight, 
I don't want another place of my being to heave its last pallor exhale of life...

So long have I been dead, I have forgotten that I am alive.

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