Imaginations Dreams

There is a world inside the imaginations of my mind...where I exist with treasured purpose, I am fully known, ellicit humbley a sense of respect, am held by arms that embrace all of me with intrinsic,intangible value. I know not the details of my destiny with truths or facts, but in this world...My existence brings healing and hope to the suffering epidemic of suffocation of life coursing through humanities veins...at a rate of extinction. I dream of meaning with overwhelming passion...I long to be seen in the world,not as a burden of darkness...but of hope,faith,love...the molecules of life. But, still , in my imagination I dream in grandeur, perhaps to have space enough  to exist somewhere - to survive the facts of my life.

Divine Madness

How many times have I been ripped,splintered,

disassembled in the many mirrors of a my mind

To understand and communicate with myself from every obtuse angle and conflicted facet?

To separate my quiet shame and screaming  loathing from the cathartic pantomime of higher reason and utopian bliss of a soul mates love....

I've butchered the masterpiece of logic that blended seamlessly with my reality

Into a world where choirs of angels sing meangingless anthems and I disect myself ruthlessly to find the wholeness within me.

It is endless genius and madness colliding to music of all the pain,love,regret,lies and truths orchestrating this creation said to be made with intent for a divine purpose...one of God's masterpieces.

I must be divinely appointed to create sorrowful entropy....

Perhaps, the melody is seen best when I am it's vessel not its writer...

Does ones soul ever find itself  in harmony with the universe or the reflection in another souls eyes...

How do you take all of the Me,Myself,and I's intoxicated,diseased,confused and clearly aware of my brokenness and calamity

And surrender to Love by letting it go, release the control...

Trust the divine Is the madness and insanity....

I just cannot read the sheets

For it is outside myself, not within, the sense of being and wholeness is made.

I surrender, I will sit in the insanity,quietly and wait.

I will send the S.O.S to my maker

Save

Our

Souls

Of the macabre,ephemeral unhealable mess that I've made.

May the miracle of Mercy and Grace find entrance to the labyrinth of me. May the angels one day sing my anthem of Victory to a mind with singular focus of existence...but may I never forget the truths and acceptance I found amongst the rubble and darkest places of mine.

Saturation of Soul

Oozing from the buried deep,

Hemmoraging moments, present and real

Weighted grieving, covers anahedom, Trickling memories taunting me...heaven on earth is a moment of visceral joy,contentment of mind; innocence,youth and time. 

A heart exploding with courageous lifeforce ,fill imagination, longing for luxurious lucid, living dreams Yet still seem to comfort the edges of pain.

Little deaths, hardly ever even marked by a grave, compile, infect,amputate.

Time is a gown adorning me with etherical sadness, Eternity abandoned -my saturation of Soul.

Absence, inability to recall, except every detail. My moments of eternal devine suspension in Grace...

Now stay like little bodies lifeless...for each one has mutated to a funeral of my

soul, 

reservoirs for guilt and failure and shame.

Evil contorted mind breaking,

time wasting away...

 Like echos in the catacombs-

 moments of joy captured for all eternity

 Stay hidden unless they plan to visit my memories

Letting me remember belonging, fulfillment filling my lungs and coursing life through my veins.

Hell's undertakers don't wait till your dead...they dismember you alive.

Perhaps all I have is the vicariously lent

moments, of my children, family,

 Strangers to me a little, but lives that breathe of hope and ambition.

A more nefarious whisp of consciousness questions my listless existence - 

What if all this fluid retention is the dessemation of my soul?    

Cellular macrophage, not just an ocean of tears,

 The tidal wave of long numbed grief,

Lifeless portions of myself needing the closure of the self loathing poison

 I cannot believe this is  something I deserve to escape.

Has it already happened, has my divine essence disconnected from the human condition?

All that is left is a lost in eternity catatonic soul 

with empty lifeless eyes... 

Till every little scintillation of life recedes to the excruciating comfort 

Real memories where I was living in the perfection of a single moment

of time... 

Precious synapses of souls... 

Eternally capsulated everyday magical miracles -

 Infallible ignorance, 

A heart with resilience, connected, belonging.

Painful wrenching soul-

Watching Memories trapped in time.

 Nostalgic,

 as essence and light take ordinary moments into luminous snapshots of heavens life.

Remembering the infusing the pulsating vitality- through every artery to life.

 Oxygenated the essence of my soul

 With the breath of God himself...

Yet so humble,so everyday simple moments

 Those moments were to tell...of magical things happen to the ordinary when one inhales within its soul...every sense and the hope and light , creating the miracle of just being suspended in a space eternally yours, that is perfect joy, unconditional love,and abundant hope.

Instriscally,

 Knowing, no concept of what you are immersed in, will saturate your being one day... If one fails to be present in the moment right now, this moment that is pure awareness being beyond your body,circumstance,mind and time...

But the exchange of souls in the same moment of space, 

Experiencing the connection

 Invisible,unbroken unity of a greater plane,than the moment on earth you are in.

I pray for a visit from Seraphims Mercy... Lend a breath from your being. I beg so unworthy breathe into me life.

Blink your eyes to see fractals of your

beauty

 Healing into intimate,new,budding moments

 Of respect, 

Forgiveness

Love and connection

... once again.

I say with certainty and confidence

 My souls only hope is to find the joy in the moments,people,sights,sounds and miracles of life,

 Like this very moment writing on this very page.

The levy will break with more time in the isolation

 My self imposed prison.

 Or being flooded by any more sewage from toxic mindsets and forgotten purpose of my heart.

This is my lament and this is my hope

I never knew, life moments can truly be both.

Hold me tight, 

I don't want another place of my being to heave its last pallor exhale of life...

So long have I been dead, I have forgotten that I am alive.

Self Imposed Prisons of Thought

Envelopped In a Dream

I want to fall asleep safe in a captured moment of  time where 

Sleepy,lucid dreams are rythmic enchantments  to a warm hearts beating, while envelopped in caring arms. ~Tracy Boote

A Hearts Hope

Hope you see
From your position of well seasoned soul's of the wise.
If you can remember your early spirit being ready, but not quite
Hope you know the dedication stays unmoved , despite fears by and by
Nothing can change the path I'm on
Though it seems I've been on it quite a while
Time has a way of intensifying the urgency and the weight of the soul
Bargaining my sanity for just one more roll
I can't imagine how I'll survive this
I moving forward anyway
trying not to carry the load of past failures
I wish they were less chained to my soul
Screaming, nagging loudmouths
As if it always ends the same
Except for that time it doesn't
I'm certain my threshold has been reached
Were it not for those completely, utterly out of their mind
I would be certain the moment of victory, is ready to collide with my destiny
In the end, you must have suffered and lost enough to be willing to suffer the pains of extraction of an infected part of your brain.
I just wanted to let you know from my position
I'm so desperate to feel alive, I'm willing to surrender to death of
the breath that has saved my soul from giving up
And it's a grief that is deeper than one might imagine,
But doesn't change my resolute desire to let it go
the intensity of the exit is wrenching
There are many layers to this part
Of me
You can't put a label on me and cross-reference some file
As far as my shame will let me,
As far as your predjudice allows
Finding honesty and compassion might just ease the pain we each will be bearing out.

Stained Glass

On the edges of my life, I see normalcy humming it's cathartic Melody
People walk by and I smell the fulfillment of their lives...it is the most viscerally satisfying fragrance one could hope to inhale
Every day that I wake up,I'm never certain
Even should the world around me be calm
That I will be facing a day with enough strengh where my heart has the courage to sift through
My memories of pretending to be a part of the Golden mean, my moments of true personal triumphs known to only me , and so many reminders of how I'm supposed to be. And come up with a motivational game plan to survive this isolation on the periphery of life.
Could I just suppose to be just like this and work on the kinetics of my heaving of mind and heart before my soul evaporates to a veneer of some weird sort of human condition I cannot even begin to imagine.
As Time passes there is a terror that is seeping in around my mind, darkening the hope light in my heart, changing the opacity of my soul.... that there is a fulcrum sort of function to the capacity for a human being to be able to say... I overcame the demons that tried to kill my destiny. To turn it into shards of teardrop movies like shattered images and fractals of time all glued together into one stained glass window that you get to look out forever....
Yet you know you will never have,love,hold,achieve,feel,be or experience any of those things....
But you get to look out the stained glass window.... of unfulfilled potential and unrealized dreams while you know long past the time of realizing you must still fight to heal yourself, because
Fighting to heal myself is the only way I know of life...so if Im not doing it , I feel  dead inside...
There must be a more ethereal function for healing for such divinely made beings...
I kill the flame of my very soul in the relentless pushing of my crippled passions against whatever the antagonist be...from  brokenness to my destiny.
I am also not sure I'm ready to stop believing that their is a niche of people out there who will respect me as a strong, ìntelligent,courageous woman,who has finally learned to live proudly with her scars...and there is a place for me . Who can handle my struggles because they truly see all the levels I'm fighting on and I don't stop till the lesson is learned ,the skill is gained, the wisdom of my choices is sorted through and I move on.
I would love to not be my only voice of reason, and the same voice that must plead to not be too hard on yourself ... you balance it out in your heart, you run the logics through your head... but you forget how hard it is to be completely honest with yourself about somethings when your really scared....or how your brain will lie completely to your heart or vice versa for some sort of survival mechanism you couldn't even see coming...cause it hits you in the hindsight- despite your complete dedication to complete authentic honesty with yourself.
At the end of the day, I want my life to have real fulfillment, real peace,real joy, real love, real connection, vitality you taste like juicy clementine first thing in the morning....security that holds you like his arms under the blankets on a stormy night and love that can look in the mirror and see respect at the eyes looking back at her there too...
That treasure is buried in my life and I am nearly bedridden....
God help me find that one small step that can lead me closer to some reciprocity.
I am begging for Mercy once again.

Safe in that Space

I would love to feel safe, just right in that space where my heart and mind entangle with all the indelible,cumulative,inverted,tender,diseased parts of my soul. 

Not fixed, just safe.

I would love to let you know I feel safe inside even though I'm broken...one day I hope to tell you that 

Moments

A moment is all you need to inspire a smile from a weary soul.

Here’s to every moment and being fully surrendered to it,fully alive in it, fully immersed in the miracle that moment is.

Here’s to mercy for those moments you’re all in, fully alive,and immersed in the miracle and you have never been more acutely aware of your brokenness

Here’s to the moments like frozen agony and interminable in length You’re not sure there is an end and if there is, your positive you will never recover from enduring the moment, you are now good and dead. Please hurry with your casket

Here’s to the moment that is eternal and timeless.

When Two people connect on another level of knowing, beyond what we know of our breath and mind and words and talk. A space and time is something you speak about having been with someone, rather a place you share more figuratively. Those moments can define relationships, lifetimes,legacies…

Right now, I’m living my life, hoping my dreams and sanity stay with me… moment to moment.

Trusting God and Destiny that I was not brought all this way to fall apart here… there is strength in my mind and body yet . I am just so tired and must stay focused on just this moment.